By Graham "Gruhamed" Hartmann
Axl Rosenberg from MetalSucks posted an hilarious article this morning about Metal God Ozzy Osbourne and teenage lesbian icon Justin Bieber appearing together in a Tron-inspired Superbowl commercial for Best Buy. Along with the news that is making even this guy do a double facepalm, Mr. Rosenberg added what may be the most terrifying photo ever taken:
You can almost see the strings attached to Ozzy's Tron suit leading to the deteriorating crypt-fingers of Sharon Osbourne. Sharon has a long history of controlling Ozzy's public image like a ship's captain drunk at the wheel, but this just about tops it. There is still over a week until the Superbowl, so if anyone who worked on the commercial is reading this, let me quickly pitch an alternate cut:
After Ozzy and Bieber are sucked into the computer and start playing catch with those frisbee-looking things, Sharon storms onto the set and berates Ozzy for stumbling his lines. The camera suddenly pans to the left as Bruce Dickinson begins to pelt eggs at Sharon with the speed and accuracy of a young Nolan Ryan. After taking a few dozen eggs to the face, Sharon begins to scream "I'm melting! I'm melting!" as she liquifies into a bloody slush onto the studio floor. Meanwhile Gene Simmons, having just finished a new Dr. Pepper commercial, is chasing a dollar bill on the hook of a fishing pole attached to his back. He slips and lands face first in the Sharon-slush, which starts dissolving Gene's face like sulfuric acid, ruining millions of dollars worth of plastic surgery. Bieber, weeping and cowering in the fetal position, is helped up by Ozzy and led backstage, where Ozzy attempts to comfort the 16-year-old by giving him his first shot of that sweet sweet black tar heroin. Cut to 10 years later; Bieber is doing background vocals for Nick and Aaron Carter's new project, The Backdoor Boys, playing local bars and making just enough to support his drug habit and hundred-dollar hair salon bills.
You're welcome Best Buy.